Tripmaster Monkey

If John McCain Is the Manchurian Candidate...

Mon, 05 May 2008 11:23:31 -0500

HAPPY ASIAN-AMERICAN HERITAGE MONTH! We're talking to you, Sen. John "Manchurian" McCain! Should he win the American presidency, his latent programming (instilled by his communist interrogators/masters during his four years in a North Vietnamese prison) should kick in. Here's a peek at his To Do list, starting from Day 1.

THE MANCHURIAN CHECK LIST

⇑ Institute America's own "Sunshine Policy" with good friend North Korea

⇑ Declare toys made with lead-based paint to be a deliciously lickable desert option for today's busy kids

⇑ Give the Olympics to Beijing in perpetuity

⇑ Declare Disney guilty of pirating the cartoon characters and theme rides of the Shijingshan Amusement Park

⇑ Extend the Americans With Disabilities Act to include Asian fetishists

⇑ Replace "Sesame Street" with "Ni Hao, Kailan"

⇑ Initiate a "Missiles for Orphans" program with Vietnam

⇑ Apologize to geriatric hottie Jane Fonda for 30 years of "Hanoi Jane" jokes

⇑ Change the colors of the flag to Khmer rouge, white and blue

⇑ Add tax line item to pay for Kim Jong Il's massive Netflix bill

⇑ Keep copy of Little Red Book in front pocket of (made-in-China) JCPenney suit

⇑ Have comrade Cindy McCain redecorate the Red House

⇑ Eliminate Church from State entirely

⇑ Replace Supreme Court with Gang of Nine

⇑ Mobilize army of adopted Chinese girls to take over world

Let's Play Olympic Blackmail!

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:10:24 -0500

HEY, RABBLEROUSERS! Got a grievance against China? (And let's face it, who doesn't?) Well, there's still time to get on the Bash Beijing Bandwagon as the Olympic torch makes its way through Asia from now until May 3 (unless the IOC chickens out). Don't let the "Free Tibet" chanters, Darfur activists and Falun Gong loonies hog the spotlight! Get your rage on!

April 16 Islamabad Pakistanis take to the streets with burning effigies at the drop of a match, so imagine what they'll do in support of China's other oppressed ethnic group, the Muslim Uighur minority of Xinjiang.

April 17 New Delhi India, the base for Tibet's government-in-exile, braces for escalating protests. "The potential for acts of self-immolation [by Tibetan monks] cannot be dismissed," security officials say. Human Molotov cocktails ... now that's a way to make a point.

April 19 Bangkok Burma's doorstep provides a good venue for poo-pooing China's support of the democracy-crushing, Buddhist-monk-beating military junta of Yangon.

April 20–22 Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta Expect more demonstrations in support of China's oppressed Muslims. Anti-Chinese sentiment is running high in the Muslim world.

April 24 Canberra In Australia, big protests are planned against the assorted evils that an emergent China represents: Environmental Degradation, Plummeting Labor Standards (i.e. Slave Labor), Threats to International Consumer Safety, Internal Political Repression, External Support for Brutish Regimes Around the World.

April 26 Nagano Japan's famous peace activists may try to shine the spotlight on China's nefarious arms deals with rogue nations and its stockpiling of nukes.

April 27–28 Seoul and Pyongyang The Korean-born U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon has already said he'll be skipping the opening ceremonies in Beijing. Why not throw more fuel on fire by calling attention to China's coddling of North Korea?

April 29 Ho Chi Minh City Will Vietnam pile on with renewed demands for the Spratly Islands? It's not like China needs more land!

May 2–3 Hong Kong and Macau The fledging democrats of China's newest Special Administrative Regions may well use this opportunity to call for human rights and stuff.

At this point, China may want to rethink the torch's six-week, 46-stop tour of the Chinese mainland, especially its plan to take the fire to Tibet. Maybe save the fireworks for the opening ceremony? Just a thought.

Celebrity Stirfry: An "Idol" falls, a Fug champion rises

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:05:30 -0500

In the mix this week ...

A FUG SUPREME Fashion police website Go Fug Yourself has crowned the incomprehensible Bai Ling as this year's Fug Madness Champion for outfits that range from Band-Aids wishing the world a Happy Chinese New Year to a big orange jumpsuit and the ubiquitous nip slips. We really have to concur with the judges on this one: "It's impossible to deny that the title sits well on Bai's semi-nude shoulders. Her fug reigns supreme because it is supreme." And now we wait with bated breath for Ms. Ling's response on her Dada-esque blog (oh, please do it iambic pentameter, please do it in iambic pentameter!).

IDLE DREAMS So the little Filipina who could, couldn't. Ramiele Malubay came onto this season of "American Idol" with big dreams of becoming the first Asian-American winner, and some sassy style to boot. But last week, America decided to crush those dreams of that powerhouse voice in a pint-sized package. Okay, sure, she didn't have the show-whoremanship of some of the other contestants, but no one who saw how choked up she got when she realized her trip down the yellow brick road was over can deny that she made some great, albeit heartbreaking television. Drink it up, America, drink up her salty tears. Jerks.

HOT COLOR THIS SEASON: WHITE! According to Gatecrasher, Asian-American actress Nan Zhang, who played token non-WASP sidekick Kati Farkas on "Gossip Girl," was elbowed off the CW hit show by a prima donna co-star. Officially, Zhang is leaving to go back to school (Brown University), but the skinny is that actress Leighton Meester (aka dethroned queen-bee Blair Waldorf) wanted none of Nan. So the primetime sudser lost an Asian-American actress either because she's too smart or too hot. Either way the show sucks a little harder now. xoxo.

SAYONARA AZN America's only all-Asian all-access television network tuned out for good on April 9. According to Angry Asian Man, the network capsized in the rough seas of cable competition, citing difficulty in wetting the interest of advertisers, or even distributors for that matter. In its place, expect some sort of Rachael Ray craptacular, or maybe another network devoted to fly fishing.

JACKIE CHAN FLYING HIGH Seriously? After classics (ahem) like "The Tuxedo" or "Rush Hour 3," some of us wondered if his star power had waned. Fear not, it seems the elder statesman of action is still a big hit with flight attendants. TMZ caught some flygirls—sans wheeling carts and salty snacks—who seemed pretty eager to, um, stow his luggage.

Movie Review: "My Blueberry Nights" is Surprisingly Tasty

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:39:55 -0500

THERE'S A CERTAIN SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF required with any Wong Kar-wai film. He's a master of mood and an evocative, at times fabulist, storyteller. The audience is better off releasing their grip on the sometimes ugly realities of their own lives and giving themselves away to his version of the narrative. His films are transporting, and the theme he returns to again and again is love, in all its many splendored forms: unrequited, passionate, otherworldly, dumbstruck, drug-struck, and tragic.

The thing about "My Blueberry Nights," his first English-language movie, is that it seems to be easier to be carried away in Mandarin than in English. Maybe it's the critical, resistant-to-change side of me coming out, but the entire time I was watching "Blueberry," I was imagining the story being told in Chinese, imagining the Jude Law character as a soulful Chinese bubble-tea shop owner, spinning his tales of the keys and hearts left on his counter to a broken-hearted young woman, and sort of liking that version better.

Not that Jude Law doesn't do a swell job—he does. He's soulful and attractive, a good listener who looks like a great kisser. In the beginning of the movie he acts circles around singer Norah Jones in her silver screen debut. However as the story progresses and we follow her cross-country search for herself, Jones seems to open up. Or, more accurately, as she encounters other sad, lost kindred spirits, she serves as a very adequate reflecting pool, allowing their shames and fears, desires and disappointments to wash over her upturned, neutral face, her own clear brown eyes betraying absolutely zero judgment.

She's waitressing her way across America, through honky-tonk bars, dive diners, and middling casinos. Along the way she's waylaid by David Strathairn, an alcoholic who can't find his way out of the suffocating stranglehold of his love for estranged wife Sue Lynne, played by Rachel Weisz. Sue Lynne is a gorgeous, too-loved woman, who has conceivably been ruined by her effect on men and her willingness to play that effect. She carries both a Southern accent and a scene of drunken distress very well, considering she's working with a script that suffers from some serious hokiness.

Norah Jones' Lizzie runs into Natalie Portman's character in Nevada and the two have the best chemistry of the film. Portman's fun and sexy take on her gambling addicted character is bright and affecting. She's the perennial daddy's little girl, even as she's desperately trying to outrun his influence. Isn't that always the case?

The film's story is told in something of a triptych form, with bookends, and there is plenty of slowed motion familiar to Kar-wai movies. Interestingly his cinematographer on this movie was Darius Khondji, a departure from his frequent collaborator Australian-born Christopher Doyle who shot, among many others, "Days of Being Wild," "Chungking Express," "Fallen Angels," "Happy Together," and "In the Mood For Love." The soundtrack was disappointing as well, with Kar-Wai choosing songs that seem better suited to a night of karaoke—they're so widely known, popular, and easy to like. I love Otis Redding as much as the next person, but how many times can I hear how "young girls do get weary..." in one movie?

Overall, the women are lovely, silhouetted in clinging dresses, tight skirts, and sweet blouses. You can always count on beautiful, well-dressed women with Kar-wai. The acting is good enough, clichéd script notwithstanding, and the story is sweet, if not life changing. It certainly feels like a Wong Kar-wai film. It looks like a Wong Kar-wai film. It's just not quite as great as a Wong Kar-wai film.

Celebrity Stirfry: Gurus Galore!

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:38:49 -0500

In the mix this week ...

LOVE (GURU) HURTS: As in, it hurts us to see Mike Myers like this. Trailers for Myers' new film "The Love Guru" are making us wonder whatever happened to the man who gave us "Wayne's World" and "Yeah, Baby!" In "Guru," Myers plays the second-best guru in India, deftly avoiding "brown-face" offenses by having his character simply raised by Indians. Right, so that gives him artistic license to make fun of zany Indian culture. Worst of all, the film also features Justin Timberlake doing his best impression of a Latin lover, complete with Speedos and a porno 'stache. All might've been forgiven if the movie actually looked funny. But the writers seem to think it's the funniest thing to have a guru traveling to America check-in his elephant as luggage.

SHAMAN SHAM: This week, Paris Hilton picked up a new accessory. She upgraded from little annoying dogs to a full-grown shaman! But before Paris could convince the world she was another celebrity dabbling in Eastern religions, the whole thing was exposed as a big, fat, racially-ambiguous lie. The actor she paid to pose as her spiritual adviser is Maxie Santillan (apparently Asians and Latinos all look the same). Disgrasian was kind enough to give us a peak at Santillan's MySpace page, where his personal quote reads "Burbank can kiss my ass." Spoken like a true sage.

BJORK'S SHANGHAI NON-SURPRISE: What's more surprising than Bjork's pro-Tibet shoutout at her Shanghai concert is the fact that anyone is surprised by it, especially the Chinese government. After all, the avant-weird artist was singing a song called "Declare Independence" and has performed at two Tibetan Freedom concerts. You'd think the Chinese screeners/censors would have picked up on that. Yet China's Ministry of Culture acted all shocked and dismayed, saying that the outburst "broke Chinese law and hurt Chinese people's feelings." Never mind the feelings of the Tibetan people!

BAI LING OFFICIALLY PETTY: Bai Ling was convicted of petty theft for her now-infamous grabfest at LAX, where she nearly made off with batteries and two magazines. The charge has now been reduced to "disturbing the peace." According to her blog, she celebrated with a glass of "sexy red wine," what we in the real world call merlot. Ling's brush with the law did get her plenty of play in the press, landing her in New York magazine's Approval Matrix, somewhere in the quandrants of Lowbrow and Despicable.

Sichuan Alligator and the New Confucius

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 11:15:34 -0500

IN HER NEW BOOK, "The Fortune Cookie Chronicles," New York Times reporter Jennifer 8. Lee investigates the origins of everyone's favorite Chinese-American dessert and, along the way, uncovers the history and evolution of Chinese food in America and around the world. TMM recently spoke with her about Sichuan alligator, Chinese-style California rolls and her all-time favorite fortune.

The big thing that I was wondering, and this may be the ultimate stupid-person question, is: If your book is showing how Chinese food became the quintessential American food, then what defines Chinese food now?

I guess I would push back on saying "quintessential American food." I say it is an all-American food. There's pizza and there's burritos and there's Italian food and spaghetti and all that—that is all kind of merged together. Backing up, the way that Chinese food is broadly defined is, it's ... a philosophy of cooking that has evolved both in China and also around the world. And generally it does encompass the use of soy sauce, the use of ginger, the use of garlic, oftentimes wok cooking, and oftentimes the strong presence of noodles, rice, and dumplings. This is not an all-encompassing definition, but these are common traits you will find across Chinese food in different countries, so American Chinese food, Indian Chinese food, Peruvian Chinese food, Korean Chinese food, I guess Singaporean Chinese food, Japanese Chinese food.

All of these countries have developed their own sense of Chinese food, and it's really interesting because even in American you get to see evolutions of Chinese food. For instance, in New Orleans there's a restaurant that serves Cajun Chinese food—Sichuan alligator and sweet-and-sour crawfish—and in Philadelphia you have Philadelphia cheesesteak roll, which looks like a cheesesteak on the inside and an egg roll on the outside. In southeastern Massachusetts, in the Providence area, you have what's known as a "chow-mein sandwich," which is crunchy, skinny noodles that are deep-fried, with this weird brown garlicky sauce, sometimes with celery in it, oftentimes in a hamburger bun or two slices of white bread—very Wonder Bread white. And are these necessarily authentic in the traditional sense? Probably not, but for many people—especially the people who eat the chow-mein sandwich—it is a stark reminder of a time and place where they grew up, and it brings back a lot of memories. So for them it's a sense of comfort food.

But you know American Chinese food has, in and of itself, become defined as a unique food, and it's its own cuisine. And if you go to Korea, there is a chain called Holy Chow, which is slightly upscale, that sells "American-style Chinese food." So they have General Tso's chicken and they have beef with broccoli and they have chow mein, and it's actually kind of a fancy place—I mean, not hugely fancy, but sort of the equivalent of Cheesecake Factory, so it's not downscale. It's definitely professionals, young professionals often, and they're eating American-style Chinese food, which is different from Korean-style Chinese food. One of the most famous dishes there is, I think it's noodles in black bean sauce, zajiang mian. But zajiang mian in Korea totally looks different from zajiang mian in China.

And actually, if you go to the Dominican Republic, the Chinese food they have there is not only American Chinese food, it's like New York-style Chinese food, with the yellow signs for takeout in Washington Heights, with the brightly lit light board with purple background. There it's also slightly upscale. So it's funny that American Chinese food, which is slightly downscale, once you export it it's really fancy.

Is that from its being American and the commercial appeal of that overseas?

So, there are two things. In the Dominican Republic, there's such a high crossover between people who live here and people who live [there] and go back and forth, and it's actually like "Oh, this is something you can get somewhere else—this is something you can get in New York, or that reminds us of New York." And in Korea, there's a little bit more of "This is exotic, this is cool."

Was there anything you came across that just did not seem to be recognizably Chinese?

I think one of the most bizarre things I've ever encountered is crab Rangoon, which is deep-fried wontons with cream cheese inside. I mean, that is completely "Whoah! What's going on there?" Right, and also it's called crab Rangoon, and Rangoon is like nowhere in China—it's in sort of Burma-slash-Myanmar. But it's very popular in the midwest, very popular in New England, and a lot of people like it. I was personally horrified when I first discovered that—but you know, whatever! People love it, they associate it with Chinese restaurants, we'll roll with it.

You grew up in a Chinese household in New York—at what point did you realize there was a big different between what was being sold in New York at Chinese restaurants and what you were eating at home?

I think it really only kind of dawned on me when I went to China China, which was after college. The way that we would always think about it was: 1) it's restaurant Chinese food; 2) it has more of a Cantonese-Hunan-Sichuan tradition, whereas my family has much more of a Taiwanese background. So my mom's food would match more closely with what we were eating in Taiwan with what my grandmother cooked. So I was just like, "Oh, they're different from us. It's not mainland or Hong Kong, we're Taiwan." And when I went to China, where you can get real Sichuan food and you can get real Hunanese food, that I was like, "Wait a second—this isn't the same." And it was also much more subtle things. [In the book] I pick out much more stark differences, but the other differences are, like, fried rice. You don't really get fried rice in China. Fried rice is what you do with leftover rice. You don't get soup at the beginning of the meal, you get soup oftentimes at the end of the meal, and it functions as a drink. In America, people don't like to be reminded that the food ever swam or walked or breathed, right? So you have anything even remotely animal-like excised—nothing with claws, no ears or feet, no paws. Whereas in China, they're all about the bone. They're all "The meat that's closest to the bone is most tender." Fish with bone is more tender. That's kind of when it really dawned on me, that oh, there's something a little bit different.

At first, it may have been a bit of a northern-southern thing, maybe. When I was in China, I was in Beijing, and you know most of the Chinese immigrants that came over in the earlier days were from southern China. But then when I traveled in China, I noticed these inconsistencies and was like, "Huh."

Do you think that as China gets wealthier, some of the more American approaches to food will leach back into Chinese culture, and people will start demanding boneless chicken?

Traditionally, historically, Chinese food much more depended on vegetables. Americans really like meat. So there are two things. Consumption of vegetables grows with population, whereas consumption of meat grows with economic growth. So as China kind of increases its wealth, it will consume much more meat than it now does. And that's not necessarily a good thing, I think.

I'm not going to say that American-style Chinese food will lurch into China, but that American influences in general will impact China. One of the more interesting things in China is that I saw California rolls, which is funny because they don't have avocados in China. Avocado is a very New World vegetable. There's no avocado in Chinese cooking. So what do they substitute? They substitute banana—which I thought was really weird.

How did that taste? Was it a mushy banana or a firm one?

Squishy.

In the book, you talk a lot about the ways that American Chinese restaurants pass between different people and families over the years. What sort of culture emerges from that? What kind of stories get told?

There are people who have done very well, and a lot of stories are spread by word-of-mouth, but the ones that are most interesting to me are the word-of-mouth stories about people who were killed or robbed or mugged while doing deliveries, usually in pretty urban areas. Because everyone is related to someone or had a neighbor who has encountered some kind of difficulty in running a Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurants and restaurant workers in general are some of the more vulnerable parts of the food ecosystem in America. And in NYC alone, in the last six years, seven years, there's an average of one Chinese delivery worker/restaurant worker killed per year. And although that story goes away from public consciousness, it also resonates, because everyone knows a Chinese delivery man. Almost everyone in New York, no matter how rich or how poor, has been in a Chinese restaurant.

What sort of impact does that make back in China?

The information definitely does flow back. There's a very strong tie between American Chinese restaurants and a certain part of China that's about the size of Delaware, around the city of Fuzhou, where they have a large number of people that have immigrated to America, some of them legally, some of them not so legally, often if not legally paying as much as $70,000 or upwards in terms of smugglers. And in this area, I thought one of the most surprising and interesting things is that they have English-language schools that teach restaurant English to young people, sometimes teenagers, who are preparing to illegally immigrate—or sometimes legally immigrate. So you have the guy on the chalkboard writing "sesame, broccoli, asparagus, zucchini" or warning them that it's "fried rice," not "flied lice." And you have these grandparents who have not seen their own children for 20 years, except for photos of them standing in front of their Chinese restaurants.

Your family's from Taiwan, right?

My parents were both born on an island that's known as Jinmen or Quemoy. But they went to college in Taiwan. They're technically Fujianese, but whatever. It's one of those situations where they didn't cross the border, the border crossed them.

With so many restaurant workers coming from Fujian, do they ever feel like this could've been their lives?

Not really. No, they do in a sense. My dad has a Ph.D. in mathematical statistics, which he got at Columbia, overeducated guy. Many people in my generation who are Chinese-American, our parents are super-educated and made super-educated babies—of which I am also one. But a couple of years ago, my dad and mom went to bring food to a neighbor who was sick—a Chinese woman, actually, who lived in a pretty nice building on the Upper West Side of Manhattan—and my father brought her takeout, and as he walked in, the doorman was like, "No menus!" And so that just sort of emphasizes that the only difference between him and a real delivery man in the eyes of society is that he's very educated. So, we felt very lucky that we fell on the right side of whatever policies that were developed post-World War II that favored the people who were very, very educated.

The people that come from Fuzhou tend to be a little bit more rural, not as urban—but not always the case. They tend to be from small towns. It's not too far from the experience my parents had growing up.

I feel like I should ask you at least one question about fortune cookies, even though I don't like fortune cookies that much. Do you have a favorite fortune?

My favorite one is the one at the end of the book, which I can't believe I really got. It's "Do or do not—there is no try," which is from Yoda. It's from "The Empire Strikes Back," where he's counseling Luke Skywalker in the Jedi ways. When I got that, I was like, "Oh, my God! Yoda our new Confucius is." It was kind of startling. It shows where people get their ideas from.

So startling you didn't even have a chance to add "in bed"?

Oh, but that totally works! "Do or do not—there is no try (in bed)." That totally works.

"The Fortune Cookie Chronicles" is available now.

Celebrity Stirfry: Ramiele Malubay Is The Anti-Sanjaya

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:47:24 -0500

In the mix this week ...

THE ANTI-SANJAYA: Ramiele Malubay, the 20-year-old Pinay from Florida, has sailed through the next round of "American Idol." (She's one of the ten female finalists). "You out-sang every single person," gushed Simon Cowell. Years ago, Jasmine Trias came close to the top spot, but Ramiele may just take it all. Is she the one to redeem all of Asian America after the Sanjaya Affair?

SPEAKING OF ASIANS WITH RHYTHM: Remember those Filipino dancing prisoners who became a YouTube sensation with their "Thriller" routine? Well, they're back with a show-stopping routine to Soulja Boy and MC Hammer. Like the first viral hit, the latest video was shot by Byron Garcia, a security consultant who started the program of choreographed exercise routines for the inmates at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center. Somehow we don't see this working out at Attica.

STEP UP TO THE BIG TIME: Check out the Cinderella story of Jon M. Chu's journey to box office glory. Okay, fine, so "Step Up 2 the Streets" (the "Step Up" sequel) is not Bergman or Kurosawa, but let's show Chu a little love. He's getting his "second first chance" according to the New York Times. His "first, first chance" was going to be a remake of "Bye Bye Birdie." We'll take a second-rate defying-the-odds dance movie over that, thanks.

WHILE MY TINY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS: It's called a ukulele, people. And his name is Jake Shimabukuro. Angry Asian Man posted a clip of this Hawaiian native putting to shame most musical acts who whore out their sound on late night television. Conan O'Brien even said Jake was one of his favorite acts ever to appear on the show (third only to John Tesh and that insatiable masturbating bear).

Celebrity Stirfry: Bai Ling, MIA, Kaba Modern and More

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:50:01 -0500

In the mix this week ...

BAI LING BUSTED: Oh what can be said about Bai Ling that hasn't already been said? (Maybe calling her normal/sane, but we're not in the business of making things up here). The mentally unstable attention-whore Ling was busted at LAX trying to steal batteries and magazines (two copies of Star to be exact.) And it gets weirder. According to E! News, Bai blamed the bust on a pre-Valentine's breakup. Or as she blogged on Wednesday, "Life is a sad song sometime but still sings the beauty for their loved ones...." Alone on Valentine's Day? No wonder she needed those batteries!

OLYMPIC DISS: Steven Spielberg has quit as artistic adviser for the Olympic Games. Darfur activists have been pressuring Spielberg to withdraw his support of the games, with Mia Farrow taking the prize for most-below-the-belt insult, saying the famous director could become the next Leni Riefenstahl (Nazi propagandist) if he continued working with the Chinese government. Other celebrities are expected to follow his lead in hopes of forcing the Chinese government to stop buying oil from war-torn Sudan. With Hollywood star power fading for Beijing 2008, the only thing left going for the games is creative product placement. Oh, and sports. The real losers in this situation are the bicyclists in Beijing, who will no longer be part of a fantastical biking-across-the-moon segment of the opening ceremony.

THE KUNG FU KID: Jackie Chan versus Jet Li? Sign us up! But what's with the nerdy white kid and all this time travel crap? Upcoming film "The Forbidden Kingdom," may have a lot going for it, but one major thing sticks out in the trailer: apparently all it takes to switch from Mandarin to English in traditional China is the sudden appearance of an American teenager. In this pairing of screen legends Chan and Li, the plot instead revolves around aforementioned American kung fu-buff (Michael Angarano) and the warriors who love him. As they all fight to save the king, Li and Chan battle over who will mentor the young grasshopper, Liu Yifei (aka Golden Sparrow) is stuck oscillating between kicking ass and swooning. Expect some unnecesary use of the words "dude" and "sweet," hilarious cultural misunderstandings, and anachronisms out the yin yang.

M.I.A., PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR: Sri Lankan musical groundbreaker M.I.A. has recently found a big fan in designer Marc Jacobs, who commissioned his latest muse to DJ his after party at New York's Fashion Week. Apparently, even an artist known for highly politicized beats and neon sensibilities needs a little couture in her life. "Last year I wasn't let into the Marc Jacobs party and this year I own it!" she told Fashion Week Daily. M.I.A. coming back with power, indeed.

KABA MODERN MARVEL: Look, we don't want to encourage any more crappy reality TV, but occasionally actual talent can be found amidst the wannabes and hasbeens. The talent in this case is UC Irvine dance troupe Kaba Modern and the crappy show is MTV's "America's Best Dance Crew." Save yourself the pain of hack judges and fluffy padding, and check out their moves on YouTube where clips of them appear to be blowing up, and expect your jaw to drop when they bust into two simultaneous dances to Daft Punk's "Technologic." These guys and gals are hot, so prepare to crush. Ours is Yuri.

THE ROAD FROM B-WOOD TO THE H-WOOD: In a move that would be shocking, nay incomprehensible, to the Hollywood crowd, Indian leading lady Aishwarya Bachchan actually turned down a role in a Will Smith movie to observe a traditional holiday. Whaaaat? The Bollywood beauty still has a fan in the "Hitch" star, and we can only hope that when Hollywood does have the privilege of working with her, they won't screw it up. This is one star we shouldn't expect to see barfing her dignity up outside the S Bar.

Asians Rock the Grammys! (Um, Not So Much)

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 14:05:14 -0500

DESPITE THE RISING PROFILE of Asian-Americans in the recording industry—including Chad Hugo, Mike Shinoda, and a bevy of half-Filipina songbirds—Asian-Americans are the second-class citizens of Rhythm Nation. At least that's the impression we got from watching the 50th Grammy Awards Sunday night.

By our count, out of the 100+ Grammy categories, Asian-Americans won two: Best Hawaiian Music Album ("Treasures Of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar" by Various Artists) and Best Boxed Or Special Limited Edition Package (art direction by Masaki Koike for "What It Is!: Funky Soul And Rare Grooves, 1967-1977" by Various Artists). Three if you count Honorary Asian Barack Obama's win for Best Spoken Word Album ("The Audacity Of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream").

While we still have a long long way to go, Asians did take the stage twice. First, there was Chinese-American violinist Ann Marie Calhoun's nanosecond cameo with the Foo Fighters. Then Chinese virtuoso Lang Lang played dueling pianos with Herbie Hancock. (Oh and Don Ho made the highlight reel of the dearly departed.)

But we remain hopeful. With up and coming acts like The Slants and Thao Nguyen, maybe Asian-Americans will finally get our groove on....

Celebrity Stirfry: M. Night, Rambo, Maharishi and More

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:46:46 -0500

In the mix this week:

THERE WILL BE M. NIGHT: The trailer for "The Happening," director M. Night Shyamalan's first R-Rated outing, has been popping up all over the internet this week. As ambiguous as ever, M. Night takes a little detour down guts-and-gore lane giving us a trailer replete with blood, screaming, lots of confused running around, and bodies falling from the sky like raindrops. The fans who have forgiven the director of "Lady in the Water" have kept the message boards buzzing with speculation over this movie's twist, but at least this time one thing's for certain: we'll all be seeing dead people, a lot of them.

BEWARE "THE EYE": If Hollywood's not completely blind, "The Eye" should spell the end of subpar Asian remakes. This "latest Western deconstruction of successful Asian horror movie" stars the ever-boring Jessica Alba and replaces all tension and suspense with shlock and gore. Of course who's really to blame here? Here's a thought: let's all try reading some subtitles, and then remakes won't be necessary.

RAMBO VS. BURMA: Breaking news!! Sly Stallone's new HGH-fest Rambo is not so popular with the Myanmar junta. No one should be shocked that "Rambo 4," a movie that villifies the Burmese militia—insert your politics here—is banned by the government, but in the classic forbidden-fruit scenario, pirated copies have become the "must have" item on the black market this season. DVD Extra: Sly has also become a hero to Burmese dissidents who have taken up the movie's catchphrase: "Live for something or die for nothing."

THAO NGUYEN, INDIE STAR: Thao Nguyen and her band the Get Down Stay Down are getting some serious love from publications like Bust Magazine and indie tastemakers Pitchfork Media. Blending rock and youthful sensibilities, Nguyen and her boys recently released their new album, We Brave Bee Stings and All, to near unanimous kudos. With her indie street cred in tow, Nguyen will soon be touring the U.S. and breaking the hearts of boys in skinny jeans everywhere.

PEACE FOR YOGI: The man responsible for introducing transcendental meditation into mainstream Western culture has died of natural causes at age 91. Maharishi Yogi first gained worldwide fame for teaching this spiritual practice to the Beatles. A falling out with said band didn't keep the yogi from bringing his message to the world, thus laying the groundwork for Western yuppies to try and find themselves.

Ulimate Showdown: Who's More Asian, Barack or Hillary?

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:59:43 -0500

DEMOCRATS SAY the 2008 elections will be historic because their candidate will either be a (white) woman or a black man. As ever, the American cultural landscape is painted in blacks and whites—with the occasional splash of brown—while Asians are left out of the color scheme. At TMM, we think it's high time to inject some yellow in the red, white and blue. Asians make up a whopping FOUR percent of the U.S. population (and 60 percent of us are Democrats). As Tsunami Tuesday approaches, we must ask ourselves, as ethnocentric Americans, this fundamental question: Who's more Asian, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? Who has the Mandate of Heaven? Who's the real Manchurian Candidate? Read on to see who wins TMM's Ultimate Showdown!

DYNASTIC PRETENSIONS: The Kennedy clan has all but adopted Barack Obama. While Uncle Teddy hands Obama the keys to Camelot, Caroline pens a hagiography in The New York Times entitled "A President Like My Father." (We're assuming she didn't mean the womanizing Cold Warrior who brought us the Bay of Pigs and Vietnam.) And while we love the idea of Michelle O as today's Jackie O, she's no Bill Clinton. But the restoration of a Clinton to the White House? Now that's dynasti-licious!
WINNER: Hillary!

EDUCATION: Barack received his bachelor's from Columbia University and his JD from Harvard. In his spare time, he teaches consitutional law at University of Chicago. Not to be outdone, Hillary was valedictorian of her class at Wellesley then went on to Yale Law School.
WINNER: It's a tie! Both have education backgrounds that would impress any Asian parent.

RESPECT FOR ELDERS: Barack often mentions his mother's support, his father's work ethic, his grandparents' love. Very filial of him, but he does seem to diss the "experience" of his opponent, who is 20 years his elder. Hillary, for her part, seems to relish the prospect of kicking the septuagenarian ass of John McCain a little too much.
Winner: Barack!

POLITICAL TACTICS: Barack's themes of unity, harmony, and change seems to echo Lao Zi's Book of Changes: "The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads." Whereas, Hillary's tactics are not only Rovian, they're clearly inspired by Sun Tzu's Art of War: "All warfare is based on deception."
Winner: It's a tie. Both are bedrock Asian texts.

WORK ETHIC: Barack began his 23 years of public service as a community organizer and civil rights lawyer. In 1997, he went on to the Illinois state senate and then the U.S. senate in 2005. By comparison, Hillary often trumpets her "35 years of experience," which lumps together her stints with the Children's Defense Fund, sitting on the boards of nonprofits, her duties as First Lady of Arkansas and the U.S., and her substantial Senate work since 2001. Both are hardworking but Hillary has been at this a while longer.
Winner: Hillary!

IMMIGRANT BACKGROUND: While HCR's paternal grandparents were Welsh and English immigrants, Barack's dad came from Kenya.
Winner: Barack!

TIES TO ASIA: Hillary's top aide (and rumored lesbian lover!) is Huma Abedin, a sassy Pakistani-Indian goddess. Also, HRC has traveled to Asia many times and one of her top fundraisers was Norman Yung Yuen Hsu (now under federal indictment for fraud, oops!). By comparison, Barack has the superior Asian cred as enumerated by avid supporter Jenn Fang: "Obama grew up in Hawaii surrounded by a majority of Asian American people. As a child, Obama lived in Indonesia, where he experienced first-hand what it is like to adapt to a new country. Obama's immediate family includes two Asian Americans: his part-Indonesian half-sister Maya Soetoro and her Chinese-American husband—Obama's brother-in-law—Konrad Ng, both of whom are now Obama's close advisors." And let's not forget his (mostly) Asian niece.
Winner: Barack!

WHO DANCES LIKE AN ASIAN? Not Barack, who showed off his signature move—the hip shake with criss-crossing fists, which he displayed while dancing to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" on "Ellen." Meanwhile, Hillary claimed on "Tyra" that she's a better dancer than singer, which means she sucks at both.
Winner: Hillary!

WHO LOOKS BETTER IN A KIMONO? Call us biased, but we hate seeing blonde women in "Oriental garb." Besides, Barack wore sarongs in Indonesia. And Obama is a Japanese family name so there's practically a kimono with his name on it.
Winner: Barack!

Congratulations to Honorary Asian, Barack Obama!

Election Forecast: Year of the Rat Race

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:38:27 -0500

NON-STOP PRIMARY COVERAGE—plus some very unexpected snowfall—is keeping American residents of Shanghai out of the bars and in front of their computers this month. With adorable rodent faces in red Mandarin hats peeking out from every festive store display, it's only natural to ask, "What can we expect from our leaders in the Year of the Rat?"

First, a look back on the last few election cycles and their astrological underpinnings. We start with 2000. A disastrous Year of the Dragon led to the contested presidential election and the final victory of Dog George Bush, who combines the dog's likable qualities—he is straightforward, unpretentious, and friendly—with a tendency towards being lazy, judgmental, stubborn, and quarrelsome. And must we mention Dragon years are associated with dogmatism and tyranny? The loser was Rat Al Gore, but his rat-like industriousness and love of research led to a pretty nice consolation prize: an Academy Award and a Nobel Prize.

In 2004, Canine President Bush doggedly defended his past decisions and his supporters stayed loyal in the Year of the Monkey, while the mild-mannered, indecisive Sheep John Kerry failed to inspire. The equivalent of the Western sign Cancer, gentle Sheep are empathetic, modest, and idealistic, but shy away from conflict. Attacks by aggressive Swiftboaters helped to crush Kerry's campaign.

And 2008, the Year of the Rat? Forget the obvious associations between a politician and a rat. Traditionally associated with competition and ambition, the Rat is the natural guardian of an election year. The Year of the Rat is one of prosperity, good news for the foundering U.S. economy. But it's also a year of war, bad news for candidates like Obama, who promise a swift end to the war in Iraq.

This is good news for Republican front-runner and military man McCain, born in the Year of the Rat six cycles ago. Aggressive and obstinate, but also charismatic and likable, Rats are natural leaders. Rats are known as the most organized of the animals, ideal for pushing paper in the Oval Office. Astrologers say Rats can expect promotions this year—but warn that the aging senator and melanoma survivor must watch his health in 2008.

Rats are strongly at odds with both Pigs and Oxen, promising a tough fight with either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama, respectively. Like all Pigs, Clinton is thoughtful and compassionate and loyal to a fault (happily for Bill). Obama is a classic Ox: idealistic and ethical, a natural leader who was born for great things. He is patient but assertive, strong-willed, and tries to run an honorable campaign. 2008 will be a fantastic year for eloquent oxen, especially for those working in the public sphere. But it's also a particularly lucky year for Ox finances: does that mean Obama will find a better-paying gig than President of the United States?

Meanwhile, Monkey Rudy Giuliani and Snake John Edwards are out of the race, with Giuliani endorsing the Monkey's sometime-adversary, the Rat. Obama might look to Edwards as a potential running mate: Oxen and Snakes make good partners.

What about Pigs Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney—generous and caring but overly cautious and lacking the common touch? It's too soon to say, but some I Ching analysts have hinted that this coming year is one for women in positions of power....

Q & A: Interrogating Inspector Chen

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 19:41:21 -0500

IN "RED MANDARIN DRESS," the fifth installment of his Inspector Chen mystery series, Shanghai-born émigré Qiu Xiaolong intersperses the narrative of gritty murders with glorious descriptions of Chinese food and captivating asides on Chinese classical literature and ancient history. He speaks with Tripmaster Monkey from his home in St. Louis, Missouri.

When you write about China, you often have to explain certain words or concepts, like guanxi or soup dumplings. What does this say about your audience?
I make a point not to explain these concepts in a blatant way. I try to describe it by having people talking about it. I think it helps my writing because it makes me show rather than tell.

Your most recent work is particularly gruesome. Have you any remorse in killing off so many young women? How do you get in the mindset to do it?
I think you're right that this one is different from my other books. Earlier, some even complained that not too many people died in my books. One possible reason this book is different—I'm not so sure about it—could be the memories of the Cultural Revolution that came flooding back to me—the cruelty and horror of it. So that reaction helped me get into mindset.

Your first three works were translated into Chinese, though your two most recent works have not. As part of the censoring process, Shanghai comes to be known as "H" City. What other changes were made? Did they compromise the work?
At the end of the first book, for example, the criminal is executed, but in the Chinese translation he has not yet been executed although he will be. The translation editors said to me, "You know, we are a legal society nowadays and we do not execute people so quickly." And I said, "Maybe you are talking about things nowadays, but my book is about the early '90s." They could not give me an answer for that.

Also in the first book, there is one particular old party official. He's not a negative character—he's just stubborn in his ways—but they cut more than half of the chapter (in which he appears). The reason? Because he's an old party official—and we shouldn't portray him in this negative light. I didn't even know about it until the book was published. It really made me hesitate about translation for number four and number five.

You've spent so much time with these characters, it must have felt like having someone tell you what your family was really like.
Right. It's not my book any more. It's really like my friends, my family. You definitely can say that.

What sort of response have you hoped for with your Chinese readers?
For example, my nephew and my niece, when they read "When Red is Black" and "Loyalty Character Dancer," they asked me a lot of questions about the Cultural Revolution. For instance, they had no idea what kind of dance the loyalty dance was. Nowadays, for them, dancing is something that people take for granted. In the school textbooks, the topic is still mostly banned. They had no idea that during those years people could only dance certain dances. They were totally confused by the concept of red and black during those years. They certainly know who Mao was, but how it was in those years ... they have no clue. I expected their parents or teachers would have spoken to him about these things, but apparently they have not—or not enough. It's really a cold comfort to me because even with all the materialistic changes in China, at least some message is given to the reader about those years. I'm pleased with that.

On the topic of books, Chen and others often lament the miserable state of literature in contemporary China. They suggest that commercialism has filled that void once reserved for creativity and expression. What's your feeling?
I've been reading the contemporary Chinese works. Of what I have read, there are no masterpieces. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the situation of commercialism—people are just so busy and they can't focus on writing. Even in English to Chinese translation, the writing is bad, as it was with my books. But according to the Chinese edition editor, these translators only make 3,000 to 5,000 RMB a book and spend only one to two months doing it. In the past, when I was translating T.S. Eliot, the translator took two years and you ensured the quality. Now if you want the translator to put in two years, well, it's impossible. So what kind of job can possibly be done? The same thing can be said of the writers. I still have some Chinese writer friends and they are bothered with these issues. They have to write as many works as possible as quickly as possible in a way that pleases the market or they don't make enough money to make ends meet. That is certainly bad for the writer. Still, some Chinese writers are serious and earnest in their way. From a Chinese perspective, it's unfortunate that the meaning of literature must compete with the meaning of a (material) life. But when I tell the average Chinese I'm a poet, they almost think it's stupid.

You write your novels in English instead of Chinese—wasn't that also a decision determined by the market accessible to you?
Yes, after 1989, it was difficult for me to write in Chinese. I could write in it, but I could not have it published due to political problems. Nowadays my books have been published in China. Additionally, my Hanyu pinyin is not that great, so it's quite difficult for me to type. Back when I was a writer in China we did everything by hand, and you couldn't make too many changes or it was unreadable. When I left China in 1988, they had just come out with some kind of word processing machine. When I wrote in Chinese, however, I did it by hand and by fax.

In your books, China's tumultuous heritage often catalyzes the sins of the present. How long should history bear the burden of modern crimes?
It's an ongoing process. If you did something in the past, whether in the present or the future, you will bear the consequence. Nowadays the commercialism or the materialistic tendency is an ironical result of the Cultural Revolution. It might seem farfetched, but people were so disillusioned with politics because of the Cultural Revolution and the only thing they can see, they can touch is this material stuff. In terms of the political disillusionment—definitely it has something to do with events from the Cultural Revolution onwards through 1989. I went to France early last year, and some people talked to me about political idealism during the Cultural Revolution. I agreed with some of them that the ideas were good, but to China it was a political disaster. Now, it's understandable for the Chinese to simply want an apartment, to want a car, it's more tactile to them.

What significance does Shanghai have for you now, and how have those feelings evolved over time?
First of all, it's my hometown and it's the city of my formative years. I think nowadays, it's all quite interesting because when I come back to Shanghai, it's also not the city that I knew. Maybe it's like Proust: you try to find the new meaning in remembrance.

For your work on a new Inspector Chen novel, you revisited both Shanghai and Beijing this past year to research.
When I am in Shanghai I walk around and the memories come back to me. Some might not be usable for the book, but it's still energizing. I hadn't been back to Beijing since I left in 1988. I studied there in the late '70s and early '80s. Everything has changed dramatically. On this trip, I walked the route the Chief Inspector will walk on his route. This should be on the left-hand side, this should be on the right-hand side. I also researched some Chinese history, which will be a big part of the novel. Fortunately I can still focus on Yihuan (First Ring Road) since none of the others had yet been built yet in the era of which I'll be writing.

Chinese films have gained popular momentum in the States—any chance you'll adapt your books to a film? Who would you most like to see play Inspector Chen?
I'm certainly interested in doing that, and some people in the States have been talking to me about that, but nothing has been set yet. They spoke to me about an actor man named Liu Ye playing Chen, but I'm not convinced yet.

Ha Jin just released his first U.S.-based novel. Wang Jiawei just made his first non-China based film. Any chance you'll move away the China setting to write a completely U.S.-based mystery some day?
I don't see that in the near future. In "The Case of Two Cities," I already took my opportunity to pay tribute to St. Louis.

It's rare for Western audiences to meet a fictionalized male Chinese character that isn't a kung fu expert, an emperor or a triad boss. Do you intentionally seek to broaden people's scope and why?
Yes, that was something I tried to do from the very beginning. In one of my books, I say for the Western readers, the Chinese are only good at kung fu and kungpao chicken. Inspector Chen, however, is an intellectual, he can speak English, and he loves T.S. Eliot. You know in school, I read about Orientalism, so I was self-conscious about that. I did not want to write about Chinese characters with pigtails.

What Chinese characters would you most like to see make it in the mainstream in the next few years?
As varied as possible a group. It's very interesting to me this experiment going on in China right now and how people are adapting to change and I hope I can see more of these works whether in books or movies. It's not something isolated as before—the world is a part of this now.

What Chinese stories demand to be told now?
I sometimes see myself as someone between the inside and the outside. I no longer live in China though I come back regularly. I really hope for some good serious work written by writers in China that are more acceptable to a wider outside. Maybe the writers who have lived through all the change can tell the stories in their own voices.

Besides your series, what do you think about other manifestations of China's fictional depiction in the U.S.?
I read Ha Jin. He is a friend of mine. We often e-mail each other. I'm friends with Gish Jen as well. We write about different periods and different groups of people. Gish Jen writes more about ABC [American Born Chinese]. Ha Jin is writing about the '60s and '70s, and I'm writing about the '90s. We are not writing about the same thing even though we are all writing about China or Chinese people.

What's the best place for Chinese food in St. Louis?
There's really no good Chinese food in St. Louis. That's one of the reasons in the first book I wrote so much about Chinese food—it's a kind of compensation. Hopefully the Chinese restaurants in St. Louis won't read your interview or they won't be so happy with me.

What about in Shanghai?
My Chinese friends call me old-fashioned. They go to fancy new restaurants. I still go Lao Xi Men for Xiaolongbao.

Q & A: Novelist Ed Lin

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:25:41 -0500

BASED IN NEW YORK, novelist Ed Lin provides some much need East Coast representation in Asian-American literature, which has skewed westward for so long. Lin is the author of two novels, including "Waylaid" (which director Michael Kang turned into the acclaimed film, "The Motel"). Tripmaster Monkey spoke with him about his latest novel "This is A Bust" (Kaya Press, 352 pages). Set in the slums of New York's Chinatown circa 1976, it's the story of Robert Chow, a messed-up cop who's out to solve a murder mystery. Sounds like a blockbuster to us!

Tripmaster Monkey: So this new book of yours, "This Is A Bust." Why should we buy it?
Ed Lin: Actually, with the attractive cover (photo by Corky Lee, design by Bryan Chez Ong), it's a pretty nice paperweight! The story comes free! Also, it's one of the few books from a Chinese/Taiwanese-American writer with a title that doesn't sound like a restaurant and a story that will change your soul forever.

How long did it take you to write "This Is A Bust"? What was your family saying in the meantime?
I actually started writing this book before I was finished with "Waylaid." It was originally a reaction to the "Waylaid" narrator's anxiety to go out and get laid. "This Is A Bust" was very internal. In fact, the first draft didn't even have any dialogue and it was somewhat dreamlike. Including editing and rewriting, it probably took just over two continuous years. My family wasn't saying anything because I never tell anyone what I'm working on until it's done.

How many cups of coffee did it take to write this book?
I'm a huge coffee addict; I probably drink about 4 to 5 cups of coffee a day and more on the weekends. I'd say I drank about a million ounces.

Do your critics actually "get" this book? Has there been anyone who's been waaaaaaaay off?
Everybody's way off, but some like me more than others!

What's the secret to writing according to Ed Lin?
Don't write every day. I know that all the how-to books about writing say you gotta get in 1,000 words per day, blah blah, but that makes it a rote kinda thing when it should be a "write" kinda thing. (Damn, I'm good!) Write when you're ready.

Who do you want to play you in the Hollywood bio-pic of your life? (Once the writers' strike is over, of course)?
Daniel Dae Kim, Joel de la Fuente, my wife Cindy Cheung and Ken Leung could all play me à la "I'm Not There."

What's your favorite monkey?
Marmosets.

Last question. Amy Tan and Maxine Hong Kingston in a crazy fistfight on top of the Empire State Building: Who would win?
America!

Bilawal Bhutto: Too Hot to Kill?

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 10:24:36 -0500

THE 19-YEAR-OLD SON of slain Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto has become the new symbol of hope for democracy in Pakistan—and the subject of Internet hoaxes and countless tribute sites.

According to The Times of London, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari's genuine (and private) Facebook profile says he enjoys horseback-riding, tae kwon do, and networking on Facebook. We don't know how many Friends he has, but the first-year Oxford University student has a legion of fans. Many of them female. And many with their own Facebook accounts.

The social networking site alone boasts at least 20 such fan clubs. Some support his politics: Bilawal Bhutto Zardari: Saviour of Democracy of Pakistan. Some can't resist a pun: Bilawal Bhutto is The Bomb. Many proclaim his hotness: "Let's Not Assassinate Bilawal Bhutto Because He's Hot, OK?"

On this point, though, there is disagreement. Andrew Matheny, an 18-year-old student in Dallas, Texas, was compelled to create the group The Bhutto Kid Is About As Hot As The Geico Caveman after he saw this article. "Judging by the picture shown with the story, I thought, 'This guy? Hot?' I'm a guy and even I think that's weird," he told TMM. "I decided to parody {these groups]. I'm poking fun at something I find a little ridiculous about the world we're living in."

One group being parodied has got to be Hot 'n' Spicy Bilawal Bhutto—Best Thing Since Butter Chicken and Naan. It was started for surprisingly lofty reasons by a 17-year-old British-Pakistani student in London named Seemah Butt (which we thought was the Pakistani version of Seymour Butts, but no...).

"I started a group for Bilawal Bhutto because I am a big supporter of the Pakistan People's Party," she said in a Facebook e-mail exchange with us. "They are true beacons for democracy and I truly felt as if I had lost a loved one when Benazir Bhutto was killed. In Bilawal, I see his grandfather's genius and mother's good looks. I know that he will bring democracy to Pakistan, something his mother and grandfather gave their lives for." She goes on: "I wish to tell all Pakistanis to vote the right choice, Bilawal Bhutto. I want the West to know that Pakistan is not an oppressed and extremist country and actually is an open-minded country with great potential for democracy."

As for the group's name? "Butter Chicken is a popular hot dish in Pakistan. I think Bilawal Bhutto is definitely the best thing since Butter Chicken."

Hear that, Bilawal? Someone wants to Poke you.