Junichiro Koizumi, with his flowing mane of hair and Elvis fetish, is a tough act to follow, but Japan’s new prime minister, Shinzo Abe, ascended to the post this week vowing to bring new muscle to the land of the rising sun—specifically by amending the constitution to permit the creation of a full-fledged military. Alas, his armed forces will not include Tiger Tanaka, James Bond’s Japanese counterpart in “You Only Live Twice”; the actor who played him, Tetsuro Tamba, died Monday at age 84. Expect China to freak out anyway.

Actually, China was not having a good week at all. The government not only sacked the boss of Shanghai’s Communist Party for corruption but also yanked from the shelves an SK-II skin whitener that allegedly caused rashes among the fashionable. Still, China somehow found the determination to continue selling organs from prisoners it had executed, rich Shanghainese continued sending their kindergartners to $200 golf lessons, and McDonald’s urged Chinese to devour the quarter-pounder with this catchy slogan: “You can feel it. Thicker. You can taste it. Juicier.”

Thailand, too, was having a tough time of it. The new junta couldn’t convince other nations of its good intentions, and some of the dozens of civilians it appointed as advisors were—how shall we say?—put out at the prospect of aiding the military overlords. “I have said that the coup is wrong,” political scientist Chaiwat Satha-anand told the Associated Press. “How can I serve as its advisory board?” Maybe General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin should reconsider the ban on sexy dancers near his soldiers. After all, who doesn’t like tanks and go-go girls?

Neighboring Cambodia, however, soldiered on. The king visited Slovakia to… see a Volkswagen factory! Wow! While he was away, his Jetta-less subjects instead held a “Formula 1” water buffalo race as part of their Festival of the Dead, and the police got credit for arresting 12 foreign pedophiles this year—and, in a break from tradition, not immediately letting them go. (Don’t worry, Terry Darrell Smith, there’s always next year…)

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