ROCKET SCIENTISTS in both Japan and China have successfully launched lunar orbiters this year. Muscular, manly, chest-beating achievements. So why, we wonder, did they name their rockets after two mythological, sad and tragic moon girls? While the U.S. and Russian/Soviet rockets had impressively virile names like Atlas, Challenger, Apollo, Titan, Voskhod (Rising) and … Soyuz (Union, it was the U.S.S.R. after all), the new kids on the moon rock have chosen Kaguya and Chang’e.

Yes, to exemplify their grand ambitions, the Japanese chose Kaguya, a golden-haired princess sent to the Earth from her Moon kingdom as punishment for doing something naughty (“Go to your room!”). Meanwhile, the Chinese rocket is named after Chang’e, the mythical woman who lives on the moon with nothing but a bunny rabbit for company. In a sort of Chinese “Alice in Wonderland” moment, Chang’e eats a pill she wasn’t supposed to and floats helplessly up to the moon.

Poetic. Culturally affecting, sure. But where’s the sense of adventure? The heroism? The triumph over enormous difficulties? The best they could come up with was a scolded princess and a pill-popper? Geeze. The only way for Asia’s rocket men to redeem themselves is for India to name its rocket Lingam. Now that’s what we call thrust!

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