Oh, North Korea! Now that you’ve test-detonated a nuke (or so you say), the whole world is against you: Japan won’t let your ships dock, the United Nations is mulling resolutions, and Condoleezza Rice says she’ll personally invade Pyongyang if you don’t shape up. (Actually, she said just the opposite, but she’s such a kidder.) And what do you do in response? Threaten war! What are we going to do with you?

Clearly, our previous efforts at negotiating your peaceful re-entry into the international community have failed. And by “efforts at negotiating your peaceful re-entry into the international community,” we mean making fun of your Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il. The bouffant, the sunglasses, the penchant for kidnapping actresses and forcing them to star in his epically boring movies—those are, we now see, easy targets. No, to change your behavior, you naughty rogue state, we’ve gotta hit you where it hurts.

So, today we announce a new list of acceptable North Korean things to make fun of. These and only these will be considered valid objects of ridicule, from the floor of the U.N. Security Council to the lofty realms of late-night television. Watch out, North Korean, we’re trying harder now!

The Ryugong Hotel: You started building this 105-story, pyramid-shaped five-star hotel back in 1987 and still haven’t finished! In fact, you gave up in 1992. If you want us to take you seriously, North Korea, you’ve got to have your bizarro luxury lodgings in order. I mean, come on.

Mo Kin: Look, we know you have legions of xylophone-playing preschoolers, but only one has gained any international name recognition. WTF, North Korea?!?

The Nodong missile: Heh heh—”Nodong.”

The Mass Games: We understand how hard it can be to coordinate hundreds of thousands of hungry citizens at your communist-spectacle Mass Games, but during the last one we counted literally seven or eight flip cards out of sync. Jesus Christ, North Korea.

Only one James Bond villain: And he had surgery to look like a white guy! When you think of all the Russians and Eastern Bloc-ers who’ve tried to do in 007, you’ll realize you’ve got a long, long way to go. Step it up, motherfuckers!

China: When your abused citizens flee in search of a better life, they go to China of all places. How messed up is that?

Supernotes: You’re better at making fake $100 bills than your own currency. And aren’t you supposed to be communists? Shouldn’t you have abolished money decades ago? North Korea, we just don’t know what to do with you.

Spy submarines: They keep getting tangled up in fishing nets and beaching themselves inadvertently. Can’t you do anything right, North Korea?

99% of your missiles are aimed at just one city: Seoul. Real countries aim their missiles at multiple targets. Look, once you bombard Seoul with all your Nodongs (heh heh), what do you do next? Think about it, North Korea. Sheesh.

Your main cash crop is babies: Um, your people are so hungry they’re eating their own children. Fuck you, North Korea.

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