KIM JONG-IL is getting a lump of coal for Christmas. Actually, he’ll be lucky to get even that.

Uncle Sam’s least favorite communist autocrat-with-a-nuclear-weapon is definitely on the naughty list when it comes to U.S. government trade sanctions.

The Bush administration wants to forbid the sale of Kim’s favorite luxury items in an effort to make sure the diminutive dictator has a blue, blue Christmas. That means those silly starving North Koreans wouldn’t be enjoying the must-have items of the gift-giving season, including iPods, plasma TVs, Segways, cognac, Rolex watches, cigarettes, Harley Davidsons and Jet Skis, among other things.

If Kim’s taking it personally, he should—it’s the first time the U.S. has tried to get under a specific individual’s skin through trade sanctions, and is notable for having nothing to do with weapons. It also follows similar, earlier North Korea bans by the United Nations and Japan. Japan’s list of no-nos to NoKo included 24 luxury item, like caviar, fountain pens, tuna fillets and gems.

Of course, some experts question whether the leader of a renegade nation that got its hands on the materials to make an atomic bomb—despite those pesky sanctions on weapons of mass destruction—really would have too much trouble getting around sanctions on status symbols of mass consumption. After all, the North Korean network of evildoers is notorious for using phony corporations and back-alley dealings to keep The Sun of the 21st Century swimming in cognac (he reportedly spends $700,000 a year on Hennessy XO), rolling in pizza pizza (he reportedly has pizza makers flown in from Italy) and up to date with the latest Hollywood hits (he reportedly owns 20,000 videotapes and is a fan of the James Bond and Friday the 13th franchises).

But though Washington didn’t follow up with a list of suggestions for regular Americans to help bring down the North Korean regime and piss off Kim Jong-il, we here at TMM have a few:

1. If you see a 5-foot 3-inch pompadoured Korean man wearing a people’s outfit and browsing your local Apple store, call Homeland Security immediately.
2. Drink as much Hennessy XO and Johnnie Walker as you can in order to limit the supply that could fall into Kim’s hands via the black market.
3. Shoplift all available copies of The Bodyguard to prevent them from going to Kim Jong-il through his spies (you could buy, but then you’d be aiding Kevin Costner, a crime nearly as invidious).
4. E-mail links to YouTube clips of Team America: World Police to Kim’s Nerve.com dating profile (specifically the “I’m So Ronery” song).
5. Sign Kim up for a Columbia House CD-a-month contract.
6. Mail a lump of coal to the North Korean embassy to the United Nations. Actually, don’t do that. That lump of coal might come in handy for peasants trying to survive a North Korean winter.

And though TMM certainly isn’t second-guessing the experts who compiled the list, we’d also like to see the White House consider a few additions to the items no longer to be exported to North Korea. These would really get Kim’s goat:

1. Shoe lifts and elevator shoes
2. Wraparound sunglasses
3. High-priced Western prostitutes
4. Japanese filmmakers and their actress wives
5. Delusions of being James Bond
6. Delusions of being any one of the 007 archvillains
7. More nuclear weapons

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