WITH MOTHER’S DAY upon us once more, it’s time to remember the women who suffered through nine months of pregnancy—then brought that same suffering down on us over the next several decades. (Okay, they were nice to us, too, once in a while.) And in the realm of motherdom, two groups stand out: Jewish moms and Chinese moms. Strikingly similar in some respects, polar opposites in others, both have nurtured and fucked up generations of emotionally crippled children. But which mom out-moms the other? Which one loves you more, nags you more, drives you more insane? To find out, TMM pits them head-to-head in…the Ultimate Showdown!

COOKING: When you’re feeling low, Jewish mom is there with a bowl of hearty chicken soup—there’s nothing better. Chinese mom/s congee just can’t compare, and she’d surely lose if it weren’t for the fact that the rest of Jewish mom’s oeuvre—gefilte fish, matzo balls, overdone roast chicken and occasional experiments with stir-fries and curries—is nothing compared with the regional delicacies that Chinese mom whips up on a daily basis. (Just don’t ask her for a grilled-cheese sandwich.)
WINNER: Chinese mom!

MONEY: Jewish mom: “Your father and I know you don’t need to be rich to be happy, but saving a little couldn’t hurt, could it?” Chinese mom: “If you don’t make a million dollars, I’m going to grow old and die alone in this filthy walk-up apartment.”
WINNER: Chinese mom!

MARRIAGE: As long as he’s a doctor, all mothers are happy—not as happy as they’d be if he were, you know, Jewish/Chinese, but still: Who ever went wrong marrying a doctor?
WINNER: Tie.

PET PEEVES: Jewish mom: Not sending thank-you notes. Chinese mom: Not marrying a Chinese boy.
WINNER: Jewish mom!

LINEAGE: A good Chinese mom can tell you exactly where in the mountain village her great-great-great-great-grandfather is buried. A good Jewish mom can tell you the name (and patronymic!) of the Cossack who raped your great-great-grandmother.
WINNER: Jewish mom!

GUILT: If you hurt Jewish mom’s feelings, she’ll forgive you in the end. But with Chinese mom, every failure, every accidental insult, every marriage to a non-Chinese boy/girl wounds not just her but generations of your ancestors. And ghosts, as we know from Japanese horror movies, do not forgive easily.
WINNER: Chinese mom!

EDUCATION: Jewish mom: “Get into the Ivy League, then you can study whatever you want.” Chinese mom: “Get your M.D./J.D./PhD., then you can study whatever you want (when you’re not in surgery/at the office/in the lab). We didn’t name you Nobel for nothing!”
WINNER: Chinese mom!

ONEUPSMANSHIP: Bling-bling, bubbe! All moms love the gold, the pearls, the diamonds, but there’s one thing Jewish mom will boast about that Chinese mom wouldn’t dare: her plastic surgery. The tummy tuck, the Botox treatments, and the reconfigured schnozz—these are the things that get Jewish mom’s heart racing.
WINNER: Jewish mom!

RECREATION: Both moms play mah-jongg, but only Chinese mom makes it an opportunity to gamble away your college fund. (You get straight As—you’ll probably get a scholarship, anyway.)
WINNER: Chinese mom!

TALES OF YE OLDE COUNTRY: Both sets of moms tell stories of poverty and privation, and while we’re tempted to say that the Holocaust trumps the Cultural Revolution, the winning factor is that Jewish mom’s tales are humorous, like the one about the flatulent aunt who always figured she’d wind up in the gas chamber—but actually died of TB. Ha!
WINNER: Jewish mom!

OVERALL WINNER: Chinese mom! (Sorry, Jewish mom: We still love you! And yes, we’ll call soon.) •