WHEN TAIPEI’S National Palace Museum recently reopened to the public after extensive renovations, Taiwanese and tourists alike rejoiced: At last, they could once again view the world’s most valuable works of Chinese art.

But the Lazarus-like resurrection was not without controversy. China regards the priceless art as nothing more than war booty, looted from Beijing’s Forbidden City by Chiang Kai-shek’s Kuomintang during and after World War II. The museum’s plan (later abandoned) not to mention the collection’s Mainland origin only further enraged Chinese officials, who consider Taiwan itself a renegade province.

“The Taiwan authorities use all kinds of excuses to define the collection at Taipei’s National Palace Museum as domestic and foreign art. The purpose of doing this is to de-Sinify Taiwan’s culture on the issue of relics preservation. This despicable move is against the common aspiration of our people,” said Yang Yi, a spokesman for China’s Taiwan Affairs Office, whose responsibilities include planning the invasion of Taiwan should the island declare its independence. (Joking!)

We don’t know about you, but the bubble-tea-chugging editors here at TMM see the opportunity to smash the status quo and achieve full (not merely de facto) independence for the Little Island That Could. We’ll let our friend Bradley Jensen Murg explain it:

“Chen Shui-bian’s de-Sinification campaign holds the ideal bargaining chip to gain Taiwanese statehood with neither the fuss of a unilateral declaration of independence nor the mobilization of the American 7th Fleet: the ‘Antiquities for Autonomy’ swap. If Chen and the DPP are serious, they should strike a deal with the boys in Beijing. China gets the art (and thereby can fill its Cultural Revolution–depleted museums with remarkable Song dynasty celadon), and in return, Taiwan quietly slips away to re-join the United Nations and ditch its ‘Chinese Taipei’ moniker at the Asian Games.”

Of course, it won’t work—the People’s Liberation Army doesn’t much like Song celadon; they’d rather have Chen’s head on a plastic platter—but it did get us thinking: Are there other clever strategies that Taiwan could employ to break away once and for all? Herewith, four foolproof paths to independence (that totally won’t work):

1. Relocate

Location, location, location—Taiwan is simply too close to its foe and too far from its friend(s). The solution? Pack up and move to the Caribbean. Taiwan can make better use of its World War II–era submarines and Patriot missiles by attacking Cuba. With the support of Gloria Esteban and the Miami-Cuban All Stars, the Taiwanese will be sipping mojitos faster than you can “Viva la Revolucion.”

Why It Won’t Work: Cuba happens to be home to more than 100,000 people of Chinese descent. And guess what? They’re communists!

2. Catch the Olympics Spirit

Dateline: Taipei, May 20, 2008: Pro-independence candidate Annette Lu is sworn into office as president, pledging to resolve the China-Taiwan impasse. The opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics commence on 8/8/08, a date chosen as extremely auspicious by Chinese officials. Unfortunately for the Chinese, the date is auspicious in Taiwan as well. At exactly 8 p.m. that evening, President Lu declares the Republic of Taiwan independent, figuring no one would be crazy enough to start a war during the Games.

Why It Won’t Work: For years, Chinese generals have bluntly stated that China would sacrifice anything—even the Olympics—to keep from having to print new maps. On August 9, the Chinese diving team will blow the competition out of the water, and China will celebrate by doing the same to Tawian.

3. Remember Chiang Kai-shek

1949: Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek scampers off to Taiwan, where he spends the next 25 years pretending he’ll reclaim the Mainland and ruthlessly supressing nascent independence movements.

1975: Chiang kicks the bucket. His son Ching-kuo eagerly awaits the reading of his father’s will, hoping to acquire Pop’s G.I. Zhou action figures and favorite horse, Seabiscuit. To his dismay, no such document is found.

2007: Chen Shui-bian makes one of the boldest move of his presidency by cleaning out the attic of the Presidential Palace. As he picks up Chiang’s dusty old copy of the Free to Be… You and Me LP, a slip of paper falls from the sleeve: CKS’s “Last Will and Testament,” in which the dictator declares, “I may die before retaking the Mainland, but those bloody pinkos will never get their red paws on Taiwan. From this day forth, I declare the full and irrevocable independence of The Republic of Chiangzania.”

Chen whips out a Sharpie, crosses out “Chiangzania,” carefully writes in “Taiwan,” and calls a press conference.

Why it Won’t Work: The Kuomingtang Party, fed up with Chen Shui-bian changing the names of practically every institution in Taiwan, declares war on Beijing’s behalf.

4. Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

Deciding that his lame-duck presidency needs a ratings boost, Chen Shui-bian challenges Chinese President Hu Jintao to a one-month stay on Castaway Island—winner takes Taiwan. Confident that nothing could be tougher than his seven years in Tibet (okay, five years), Hu accepts.

Chen, the son of poor farmers, shows off his mad country-boy skillz, catches fish with his teeth and cooks rice in the pit of a boulder. But Hu, raised by urbanites, quickly stumbles, failing to build a shelter from twigs and mud. Eliminated!

Why It Won’t Work: Like Richard Hatch before him, Chen fails to report his winnings. He’s thus incarcerated for tax fraud and stripped of his prize. Hu builds a vacation home in Taipei.

Got a theory of your own? It can’t be worse than ours! Add it to the comments below.

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