THIS SATURDAY, THOUSANDS upon thousands of people will get drunk. The bars will fill up with ordinary men and women thirsting for cheap, cheap beer, and with every pint, their faces will grow redder and redder—and not just with intoxication. Passions will rise, fights will occur, and someone, surely, will find himself 86’d into the vomit-slicked gutters of… Seoul, South Korea.

Wait, what did you think we were talking about?

While millions of Americans get plastered this weekend in honor of their Irish heritage (real or imagined), the people of Korea will be doing their part to uphold their reputation as the Irish of Asia: hot-tempered and hard-drinking, diligent and passionate, technically few but extending their cultural and economic influence over a large swath of the globe.

It’s a stereotype, we know, but here at TMM HQ we spend a lot of time surrounded by stereotypes, and we’ve begun to notice how the cliches in Asia have counterparts in the rest of the world. Herewith, we’ve collected them for you—a master map of lazy-thinking concordances. Now, can anyone tell us how to say “Erin go bragh!” in Hangul?

The overseas Chinese are, it’s been said many times, the Jew of Asia. Their communities tend to be insular (not always by choice), and they retain their linguistic and cultural traditions in their new homes, along with strong ties to the mainla—er, motherland. And, of course, they have lots and lots of money and control the banks and media. No, really, they do!

The Vietnamese, meanwhile, are the Portuguese of Asia. Traditionally fisherfolk, they look back to a glorious past of imperial power, yet today they’re looked on as poor and backwards. Watch out, though—in recent years, they’ve made enormous economic and cultural strides, and tourists are flocking in for affordable luxury. Plus, there’s an awesome Portuguese metal band called Ho-Chi-Minh.

Japan is the Germany of Asia. The people are fastidious and pale, reliant on high technology. And dammit, there’s something else they have in common… If only we could remember what it was…

Thai people are the Mexicans of Asia. First, there’s that chili-pepper fetish, but more importantly they’re both pleasure-loving nations, where people appreciate an ice-cold beer and a strings-free romp in the hay/maize/bamboo. Both attract millions of tourists to their spotless beaches and low-cost medical centers, while hippies migrate to farflung towns in order to tune in, turn on and drop out. And finally, both are more than familiar with the occasional military coup.

Looking for the New Jersey of Asia? It’s Taiwan. Like the Garden State, it has its depressing, industrial zones and its untouched countryside, its gaudy nouveaux riches and its down-to-earth proletariat, its mafiosi and its academics. Plus, it’s also the 51st state, according to some people.

Cambodians are the Bosnians of Asia—so deeply traumatized that it will take generations for the scars to heal.

Tiny Singapore is the Switzerland of Asia: neat, functional, organized, professional, successful, but missing that little spark or edge that would make it a place people fall in love with.

Myanmar is the Haiti of Asia: the ultimate dysfunctional, dangerous country whose people happen to be some of the coolest, sweetest you’ll ever meet.

Australia is the Australia of Asia.

India is the Brazil of Asia, a sprawling, messy democracy with pockets of overpopulation and festering popularity that somehow succeeds in spite of itself. Also, Bollywood = telenovela.

There is indeed an England of Asia, and it’s Hong Kong. That century of colonialism left the city-state not just anglophone but anglophiliac, as you can see any day in Central, where the bespoke-suited bankers rush between skyscrapers and the pubs of Lan Kwai Fong.

Indonesia is the Colombia of Asia, always teetering on the brink of collapse.

Mongolia? Greenland. Papua New Guinea? Djibouti.

And finally, North Korea: the USA of Asia. Think about it—run by a narcissistic leader whose bullying rhetoric is fast transforming the country into a pariah state. You call it Washington, D.C. We think of it as Pyongyang on the Potomac.

We couldn’t quite figure out where to place the Philippines, Laos, Malaysia and several other countries. If you’ve got an idea, post it in our comments section below!

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