WHILE TRAWLING THE INTERNETS for titillating bits of pan-Asian pop culture and politics, we often come across stuff that is so weird and disturbing—so wrong—that it begs to be chronicled on our site under a spiffy new rubric. Welcome to our whenever-ly column: This Shit is Bananas!

PAKISTAN: How do we put this diplomatically? It appears that having a name that means “The Biggest Dick” in Arabic has disqualified Pakistani diplomat Miangul Akbar Zeb from being becoming his nation’s ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Even the editors of the usually staid publication Foreign Policy could not resist a prurient pun: “In Saudi Arabia, size does count.” To which we can only add that United Arab Emirates and Bahrain have also cock-blocked his appointment.

JAPAN: Okay, this is fucked-up even for Japanese horn dogs. This March, Amuse Soft Entertainment of Japan will release a DVD called “Crying Girl,” which features 11 young starlets crying over various trials and tribulations (being dumped by a boyfriend, learning that a cancer-stricken friend has gotten engaged, feeling the ineffable “loneliness of the city”). This scintillating footage is apparently aimed at Japanese men who need a little emotional Vigara. According to InventorSpot, “[M]en in Japan need to have their ‘conquering instinct’ stoked, and the way to do this is by watching beautiful women cry. Yep, in a nutshell: men feel stronger after experiencing the weakness of women.” A crying shame.

INDONESIA: Irked by protesters comparing him to a “big and stupid” water buffalo, Indonesia’s president has banned the beasts from being used as props in street rallies marking the first 100 days of Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono’s second term. His likeness to the creature apparently does not translate into a thick hide. Yudhoyono said that while the comments are hurtful, his real concern is for public safety. “There is no guarantee that protesters can keep the water buffalo from being provoked and threatening people’s lives if it is angered,” said Jakarta police spokesman Col. Boy Rafli Amar. It was remains unclear if the policeman was referring to a water buffalo or to president.

CHINA: A 21-year-old woman identified only as Xiaoqing is undergoing plastic surgery to look like actress Jessica Alba in order win back an old boyfriend who was obsessed with the B-list star of “Fantastic Four.” A plastic surgery clinic in Shanghai has agreed to perform this extreme makeover for free—free publicity, that is. “If she wants to look much better than she does now, I think we are able to help her fulfill her wishes,” says hospital director Jiang Shan. “But if she wants to totally look like Jessica Alba, I would think she is not confident in herself and needs to solve this problem psychologically.” Well said, doctor. You should only undergo plastic surgery for the right shallow reasons.

And that, dear readers, is bananas!

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