DEMOCRATS SAY the 2008 elections will be historic because their candidate will either be a (white) woman or a black man. As ever, the American cultural landscape is painted in blacks and whites—with the occasional splash of brown—while Asians are left out of the color scheme. At TMM, we think it’s high time to inject some yellow in the red, white and blue. Asians make up a whopping FOUR percent of the U.S. population (and 60 percent of us are Democrats). As Tsunami Tuesday approaches, we must ask ourselves, as ethnocentric Americans, this fundamental question: Who’s more Asian, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? Who has the Mandate of Heaven? Who’s the real Manchurian Candidate? Read on to see who wins TMM’s Ultimate Showdown!

DYNASTIC PRETENSIONS: The Kennedy clan has all but adopted Barack Obama. While Uncle Teddy hands Obama the keys to Camelot, Caroline pens a hagiography in The New York Times entitled “A President Like My Father.” (We’re assuming she didn’t mean the womanizing Cold Warrior who brought us the Bay of Pigs and Vietnam.) And while we love the idea of Michelle O as today’s Jackie O, she’s no Bill Clinton. But the restoration of a Clinton to the White House? Now that’s dynasti-licious!
WINNER: Hillary!

EDUCATION: Barack received his bachelor’s from Columbia University and his JD from Harvard. In his spare time, he teaches consitutional law at University of Chicago. Not to be outdone, Hillary was valedictorian of her class at Wellesley then went on to Yale Law School.
WINNER: It’s a tie! Both have education backgrounds that would impress any Asian parent.

RESPECT FOR ELDERS: Barack often mentions his mother’s support, his father’s work ethic, his grandparents’ love. Very filial of him, but he does seem to diss the “experience” of his opponent, who is 20 years his elder. Hillary, for her part, seems to relish the prospect of kicking the septuagenarian ass of John McCain a little too much.
Winner: Barack!

POLITICAL TACTICS: Barack’s themes of unity, harmony, and change seems to echo Lao Zi’s Book of Changes: “The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” Whereas, Hillary’s tactics are not only Rovian, they’re clearly inspired by Sun Tzu’s Art of War: “All warfare is based on deception.”
Winner: It’s a tie. Both are bedrock Asian texts.

WORK ETHIC: Barack began his 23 years of public service as a community organizer and civil rights lawyer. In 1997, he went on to the Illinois state senate and then the U.S. senate in 2005. By comparison, Hillary often trumpets her “35 years of experience,” which lumps together her stints with the Children’s Defense Fund, sitting on the boards of nonprofits, her duties as First Lady of Arkansas and the U.S., and her substantial Senate work since 2001. Both are hardworking but Hillary has been at this a while longer.
Winner: Hillary!

IMMIGRANT BACKGROUND: While HCR’s paternal grandparents were Welsh and English immigrants, Barack’s dad came from Kenya.
Winner: Barack!

TIES TO ASIA: Hillary’s top aide (and rumored lesbian lover!) is Huma Abedin, a sassy Pakistani-Indian goddess. Also, HRC has traveled to Asia many times and one of her top fundraisers was Norman Yung Yuen Hsu (now under federal indictment for fraud, oops!). By comparison, Barack has the superior Asian cred as enumerated by avid supporter Jenn Fang: “Obama grew up in Hawaii surrounded by a majority of Asian American people. As a child, Obama lived in Indonesia, where he experienced first-hand what it is like to adapt to a new country. Obama’s immediate family includes two Asian Americans: his part-Indonesian half-sister Maya Soetoro and her Chinese-American husband—Obama’s brother-in-law—Konrad Ng, both of whom are now Obama’s close advisors.” And let’s not forget his (mostly) Asian niece.
Winner: Barack!

WHO DANCES LIKE AN ASIAN? Not Barack, who showed off his signature move—the hip shake with criss-crossing fists, which he displayed while dancing to Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” on “Ellen.” Meanwhile, Hillary claimed on “Tyra” that she’s a better dancer than singer, which means she sucks at both.
Winner: Hillary!

WHO LOOKS BETTER IN A KIMONO? Call us biased, but we hate seeing blonde women in “Oriental garb.” Besides, Barack wore sarongs in Indonesia. And Obama is a Japanese family name so there’s practically a kimono with his name on it.
Winner: Barack!

Congratulations to Honorary Asian, Barack Obama! •