Turns out there’s a Chinese-American dude among the four neo-con stooges busted for allegedly tampering with the phones in the New Orleans offices of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) last week. Stanley Dai, a 24-year-old right-wing activist of slight renown, is out on bail and no doubt Googling himself every five minutes so we really hope he comes across this post.

(With apologizes to Eminem…)

Dear Stan:

Guess what, buddy? You’re not white.

No matter how much your Chinese-immigrant-ass longs to be white, no matter how hard you swing your “Angry Penis” to the right, your neo-con artist friends will never consider you one of them. Despite your perfect English and preppy looks, you cannot “pass.”

Look in the mirror, Stan. Asians do not look like America and America does not look like us. We are still an exotic minority. Unlike the experiences of blacks, Native Americans, and Latinos, our stories are not deeply embedded in American history. Theirs is a long dark history, to be sure, but it is also a multi-generational process of cultural osmosis and intermarrying. Asians haven’t been here all that long and we pretty much keep to ourselves. To most Americans, we remain as inscrutable and foreign as ever. (See: Japanese internment, WWII.) Already there are whispers that you are a Chinese spy. (See: Wen Ho Lee.)

It will be a long long time before anyone says of an Asian-American newsmaker: “I forgot he was Asian.” No way, dude, they’ll never let us forget it. They will always ask, “Where are you from?” And now thanks to people like you and Yoo, we can add law-bending crypto-fascists to the list of Asian stereotypes. Heil Hirohito!

For such a young man, you’re quite the seasoned wing-nut. In college, you edited the conservative GW Patriot, you co-founded GW’s Students Defending Democracy, you were active in the College Republicans and GW Colonials for Life (gotta love that name). Then you did some spooky shit with Department of Defense “irregular warfare” fellowship program. Now you’re passing yourself off as a counter-terrorism expert and freelance Plumber? Ninja, please!

So the radical right has embraced you, and maybe you truly do believe in their hate-filled agenda. Maybe you feel special being a token person of color, as Michael Steele apparently does. Who knows, maybe you like teabagging hot conservative babes. News flash: Even standing next to James O’Keefe, the World’s Ugliest White Boy, will not make you, by comparison, more attractive to the likes of Carrie Prejean. You will always be the busboy, gardener, coolie to them. And if you’re not careful, these people you truck with will make you the fall guy too.

To call you a banana would be an insult to all racial sell-outs and also to fruit. No, you don’t even earn the label of self-hating token Asian. You are a thug in a blue blazer, a delusional black-ops groupie, and a menace to a free society. We’re sure your “Penis Dialogues” will play real well in the federal pen.

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