FEW PEOPLE are mourning the death by sudden heart attack of Saparmurat Niyazov, the president-for-life of Turkmenistan. Known at home as Turkmenbashi—i.e., “Father of the Turkmen people”—Niyazov ran the natural-gas-rich Central Asian republic since its founding in 1991, and he did so with a Stalin-esque authoritarianism that earned him the enmity of human-rights groups and a not-so-coveted spot on Parade magazine’s list of “The World’s 10 Worst Dictators.” (At no. 7, he topped Ayatollah Khamenei!)

But the monster of the Caspian Sea also had, shall we say, a lighter side. Niyazov was a joker, a lover of pranks and japes, like the time he banned car radios or shut down all rural libraries on the premise that his countrymen don’t read. What a card!

So, let us recall Turkmenbashi’s better days, when he Punk’d his country with a wit and èlan that Ashton Kutcher and Sacha Baron Cohen could never hope to match. Herewith, the top ten stunts of Saparmurat Niyazov—we’ll miss them! (Not!)

1. Frustrated with Ashlee Simpson’s SNL performance and haunted by memories of Milli Vanilli’s downfall, Niyazov in August 2005 banned lip-synching. That wasn’t enough, however, and he added that all recorded music would be banned at public events, at weddings and on TV. “Create our new culture,” he urged his countrymen.

2. In the capital Ashgabat, Niyazov erected a golden statue of himself that rotates so it’s always facing the sun. “I’m personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets,” he said, “but it’s what the people want.”

3. In 2002, Niyazov issued a decree renaming the months of the year after national symbols. Who are Turkmenistan’s national symbols? Niyazov’s late mother, for one, whose name Turkmen now say instead of April (and, supposedly, “bread”). “It seems like he lives on another planet,” one man told the BBC.

4. In August 2004, Niyazov fired his interior minister for incompetence—on national television. “I cannot say that you had any great merits or did much to combat crime,” said Niyazov. “Of course you did something: You kept quiet on the sidelines, as if you knew nothing.”

5. That same month, Niyazov felt something was missing from Ashgabat… An ice palace! So he ordered one built in the Copa Deg Mountains, with a cable car running up to it from the city—which, uh, happens to lie in the middle of the desert.

6. Niyazov wasn’t just a crazy dictator—he was a man of letters, and his Ruhnama, a national epic of moral instruction, replaced Soviet-era textbooks long ago. “If a horse which can gallop when it is fat can also gallop when it is thin, it is a good horse,” he wrote. “If a horse is not good in both cases, it is not a good horse.” Who can argue with that?

7. Perhaps trying to increase domestic-tourism revenues in Ashgabat, Niyazov in 2005 ordered the closure of all rural hospitals. “Why do we need such hospitals?” he said. “If people are ill, they can come to Ashgabat.”

8. You know how sometimes dogs and cats smell bad? Well, Niyazov had a particularly sensitive nose, so he restricted pet ownership in Ashgabat to a single cat or dog. And if you own livestock, you might as well just leave the capital, so your camels and chickens don’t stink up the dahlias being planted along its avenues.

9. Mr. Bling, beware! Gold teeth were verboten as of 2004, when Niyazov ordered his countrymen to keep their original white ones healthy by gnawing on bones. “I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to gnaw,” he said. “Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not gnaw on bones. This is my advice.”

10. Just two months ago, Niyazov opened the “House of Free Creativity,” a building—shaped like an open book—that was supposed to be a comfy place for journalists to work and hang out. You know, so Niyazov’s people could, like, keep an eye on them and make sure they were working on the right stories, because, you know, in a country with no free media whatsoever, you gotta make sure everyone’s on the same page, right?