TO: AFRICA

FROM: CHINA

SUBJECT: RE-BRANDING

HELLO, AFRICA—China here. We know you've been concerned about our business activities in your part of the world. You say our entrepreneurs are simply exploiting African labor and sending African resources and profits back to Beijing—and giving nothing back.

To even things out, we're going to give you some free advice that will help you lift your citizens out of poverty and, if not into the 21st century, then at least into the 20th. Just follow these suggestions, and we promise you'll be on the well-paved path to modernity.

Make African unity a reality: We know you're made up of many nations and cultures but to us, well, you're all black, and frankly your map is confusing to the rest of the world. Congo (Brazzaville) or Congo (Kinshasa)? Zambia or Gambia? Let's call the whole thing off! From now on, embrace your heart of darkness: Africa is one nation, with its capital in … Cape Town? Now there's a nice, easy name to remember, and Hu Jintao loves the beaches. As for all those linguistic differences, just consider them all "dialects" of a single African tongue—English, perhaps, or, if we can make a suggestion, putonghua.

Africa's mascot: Now that you're all one country, you need an adorable mascot, like our panda. How about a baby hippo? They're so cute. Or maybe a giraffe—they're so awkward and lovable. No, no—we've got it! A big black cutesy-wutesy gorilla.

No more child soldiers: The world community is right in decrying the use of children as agents of war, and we call upon you to do everything you can to end this abuse. The problem, of course, is what to do with all those demobbed kids. The solution is simple—put them to work. While little fingers aren't made for pulling triggers, they're really quite good at manufacturing Kalashnikovs for adults (i.e., 15 or older).

International sporting events: Nothing says you've embraced globalization like nice, friendly competition between nations. We've got the Olympics sewn up for ‘08, but we're sure you'll come up with a costly spectacle of your own. Remember, it's a great way to divert the world's attention from your internal matters, which is frankly none of anyone's business!

Cradle of Life tours: Everyone knows that humanity began in Africa, and now you need to capitalize on it. Bring tourists to "ancestral villages" in the province of Kenya and help them "trace" their lineage. Remember, even white people were black people once.

Single-barrel palm wine: the ultimate upscale beverage.

African cuisine: The lack of actual food does present a problem. But what you would eat if you did have food? Roast elephant? Sahara sand cobbler? Tell you what, Africa, as a sign of friendship among the post-colonial peoples of the world, we—that is, China—will give you the egg roll. We didn't actually invent it, and really, it isn't something we eat over here, but it's become a fantastic symbol of our cuisine. Everyone loves egg rolls! You've probably seen pictures of them on TV screens glimpsed through the windows of luxury hotels. Now, the egg roll is yours—an authentic African delicacy that people the world over can enjoy. You'd be doing us a favor. Take it. Please.

Africa did it first: Okay, you're always taking credit for inventing Greek civilization or developing algebra or something brainy like that. But you know what? No one cares about Greek philosophy or mathematics! If you want respect from the rest of the world, you've got to think big. Take us Chinese: We claim to have discovered America back in 1428! That's something people can relate to, they can understand. Unfortunately, we've already got America, so that won't work for you, but how about … Australia? There are black people there, right? Perfect!

Smaller penises: They're less threatening. Trust us.

The African spa treatment: Not long ago, we Chinese were grinding up dried tiger penises to cure psoriasis, which is totally ridiculous. Now white people think we're geniuses; they even let us stick pins in their arms, legs, backs and ears! Surely, you can take the, uh, techniques developed by generations of witch doctors and charge foreigners hundreds of dollars to, like, have their livers devoured by pregnant women. Just skip the aromatherapy, okay? We've been to Africa, and it don't smell so hot.

When all else fails, do as we do: Blame Japan. If possible, riot. Just remember, their embassy has a white flag with a red sun; ours is red with yellow stars. Please don't get them confused. Mmmkay?

Your Dear Friend,

China •