FOR ASIANS and non-Asians alike, this week is all about eating and drinking, dancing and romancing. Both Valentine’s Day and Chinese New Year (aka Tet to the Vietnamese or Seol-nal to Koreans, or Lunar New Year for those non-partisans out there) are vying for not only wallets (all those meals!) but also our attention. You mean we have to pay attention to our lovers and our friends and our families? Sheesh. It’d be a hell of a lot easier with just one holiday to observe—but which one? To find out, TMM puts the festivities head to head in The Ultimate Showdown!

Lunar New Year: Firecrackers and parades.
Valentine’s Day: Bedroom firecrackers—if you’re lucky. But not everyone gets to watch.
Winner: Lunar New Year!

Lunar New Year: An animal symbol that changes every year.
Valentine’s Day: Same pudgy midget angel every year. No variety!
Winner: Lunar New Year!

Lunar New Year: Expensive dinner with friends and family.
Valentine’s Day: Expensive, high-stress dinner for two and a box of chocolate.
Winner: Valentine’s Day (stressful, sure, but you’re more likely to get laid).

Lunar New Year: Red envelopes stuffed with money.
Valentine’s Day: Cheap cards stuffed with crummy poetry.
Winner: Lunar New Year!

Lunar New Year: Lion Dances! (No participation necessary.)
Valentine’s Day: For men: Being forced to go dancing. For women: Having to drag along a reluctant dancer.
Winner: Lunar New Year, if you’ve got no rhythm.

Lunar New Year: Gongs and drums and loud incomprehensible music in the streets.
Valentine’s Day: Romantic love songs everywhere.
Winner: Valentine’s Day by a slight margin.

Lunar New Year: Ancient cultural tradition celebrated by billions.
Valentine’s Day: Hallmark plot to boost sales among the gullible and/or horny.
Winner: Lunar New Year!

Lunar New Year: Lots of babies nine months later.
Valentine’s Day: Lots of babies nine months later.
Winner: Tie.

The ultimate champion: Lunar New Year! (Okay, so you saw it coming.) •