In the mix this week …

LOVE (GURU) HURTS: As in, it hurts us to see Mike Myers like this. Trailers for Myers’ new film “The Love Guru” are making us wonder whatever happened to the man who gave us “Wayne’s World” and “Yeah, Baby!” In “Guru,” Myers plays the second-best guru in India, deftly avoiding “brown-face” offenses by having his character simply raised by Indians. Right, so that gives him artistic license to make fun of zany Indian culture. Worst of all, the film also features Justin Timberlake doing his best impression of a Latin lover, complete with Speedos and a porno ‘stache. All might’ve been forgiven if the movie actually looked funny. But the writers seem to think it’s the funniest thing to have a guru traveling to America check-in his elephant as luggage.

SHAMAN SHAM: This week, Paris Hilton picked up a new accessory. She upgraded from little annoying dogs to a full-grown shaman! But before Paris could convince the world she was another celebrity dabbling in Eastern religions, the whole thing was exposed as a big, fat, racially-ambiguous lie. The actor she paid to pose as her spiritual adviser is Maxie Santillan (apparently Asians and Latinos all look the same). Disgrasian was kind enough to give us a peak at Santillan’s MySpace page, where his personal quote reads “Burbank can kiss my ass.” Spoken like a true sage.

BJORK’S SHANGHAI NON-SURPRISE: What’s more surprising than Bjork’s pro-Tibet shoutout at her Shanghai concert is the fact that anyone is surprised by it, especially the Chinese government. After all, the avant-weird artist was singing a song called “Declare Independence” and has performed at two Tibetan Freedom concerts. You’d think the Chinese screeners/censors would have picked up on that. Yet China’s Ministry of Culture acted all shocked and dismayed, saying that the outburst “broke Chinese law and hurt Chinese people’s feelings.” Never mind the feelings of the Tibetan people!

BAI LING OFFICIALLY PETTY: Bai Ling was convicted of petty theft for her now-infamous grabfest at LAX, where she nearly made off with batteries and two magazines. The charge has now been reduced to “disturbing the peace.” According to her blog, she celebrated with a glass of “sexy red wine,” what we in the real world call merlot. Ling’s brush with the law did get her plenty of play in the press, landing her in New York magazine’s Approval Matrix, somewhere in the quandrants of Lowbrow and Despicable. •

When not braving the sharky waters of the entertainment industry, Laura Turner Garrison spends her time writing, performing comedy, and picking apart Hollywood, one celeb at a time.