LOOK, YOU DON’T WALK INTO “TRANSFORMERS” expecting Shakespeare. Especially from Michael Bay, who (in his defense) has come light years from directing 1990’s “Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall.” But leave it to Bay to morph a story about a Japanese toy line of shape-shifting robots into an excuse for race jokes and dumb stereotypes.

Okay, first the backstory: The toy line debuted 1984 and ran the merchandising gamut from TV cartoons, video games, comic books and clothing. Naturally, there have been numerous reconfigurations of the story through the years, but the plot comes down to Good vs. Evil. The good-guy Autobots, led by the noble Optimus Prime, must fight to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons, led by the gravel-voiced Megatron.

[SPOILER ALERT!]

Now, here’s how Bay mucks it up: Within the first 10 minutes, you get characters telling people to “Speak English!” But this is only the beginning. A weird and totally unnecessary racial and cross-cultural undercurrent gets played out through the whole film. What’s with the backhanded compliments about the technological prowess of the Japanese? Really, did we need to have an India-bashing moment in the middle of a heated firefight where the alpha white male (Josh Duhamel) argues with a South Asian call center operator? And, without giving too much away, one of the “big surprise” casualties is the jive-talking robot who can dance.

But the larger question is: If you can ignore the racial undercurrent of the “Transformers,” is it still a good movie? Sure, it’s loud and filled with lots of explosions and guns, but as Shakespeare said, it’s sound and fury, signifying nothing. As a stand-alone film, anyone who’s never seen or heard of the Transformers—even 5-year-olds—will spot plot holes big enough to drive Optimus Prime through. Basic principles of geography, history, physics, astronomy and science, all the fields of human knowledge, really, just have to ride in the back seat on this one. Even basic logic. One character negotiates with government agents for another’s “juvie record” to be erased. Dude. It automatically gets erased when you turn … oh, forget it.

For a film that’s supposed to invoke nostalgia, a lot of the best of what made the original “Transformers” so interesting gets left out or passing lip-service in exchange for flashy chrome. Old-school fans will barely recognize any of the characters except Optimus Prime, who’s sporting a ridiculous flame job now. Megatron transforms into a who-knows-what. There are a few classic lines from the cartoon series and cartoo movie that die-hard fans will recognize, but they feel recycled from the scrap heap more than anything.

The first full-length “Transformers” movie traumatized a whole generation back in the ’80s with the unexpected, wholesale slaughter of our favorite characters, ranging from minor characters to big players, notably Optimus Prime himself. Behind the scenes, the reason was to make room for the next year’s line of toys. But try explaining to kids that Optimus had to die because the marketing department said so. That said, there’s at least a more interesting story in the original movie than what we’re getting on screen this month.

In the end, “Transformers” is going to make tons of money, so from a studio executive’s point of view, who cares? At least, Bay wasn’t handed the Gobots franchise. •